I Failed the Bar Exam By 4 Points

 

I Failed the Bar Exam

In the words of my favorite deranged sorority girl “tie yourself down to whatever chair you’re sitting in because this e-mail blog post is going to be a rough fucking ride”.

Since May 20th I’ve been having nightmares about failing the bar exam. On October 24th those nightmares became a reality.

I studied about 14 hours a day, I attended EVERY SINGLE LECTURE, I outlined, made note cards, I deleted social media, I took countless practice tests, I adjusted my study habits if I thought it could help me retain more, I didn’t go out with friends, I barely spoke to my family, and when I was en route to study or on my way home I did multiple choice questions on a Bar Exam phone app. I essentially did everything I was told was necessary in order to pass the exam. And yet I failed.

To make matters worse I thought I passed. I felt very confident after taking the exam up until the moment that I opened my mailbox and saw the letter sitting inside of it. You see, throughout this entire experience past bar takers (both passers and failers) told me that a big envelope meant you failed because it contains reapplication materials. And a little envelope meant you passed because it would just contain a letter of congratulations.

On the morning I was told I would find out, I walked down five flights of stairs to my mailbox. I was on the phone with my boyfriend at the time because he couldn’t physically be there, but he wanted to be on the phone with me when I got the good news. So I open my mailbox and gasp because there is one small envelope. In my head I’m thinking I passed. So I’m getting excited over the phone, and my boyfriends excited too because I gasped and said “omg it’s a small envelope”. I’m shaking so hard, and I can barely breathe. I drop to my knees, rip the envelope open and scan the letter for the word “congratulations”. Instead I read “we regret to inform you…”. At this point I am so thrown. I reread the letter over and over. My boyfriend is still on the phone and he excitedly  asks “what does it say?!” I am in shock and I reread the letter again this time out loud. My boyfriend is quiet for a while and then he asks “are you kidding?”.

To be fair I am the kind of person to make a joke like that. I tell him I’m not kidding and that I have to go. I text my friends and tell them I failed. I called my best friend Anita, who answers the phone excitedly ready for good news. I tell her that I fail. She asks “are you joking?”. I promise myself that I will never tell a joke like that again. I call my sister Lesa. At the time she was at her home showing my other sister Tessa the new dining room table she bought. I tell her that I fail. She asks if it’s a joke. I start to cry and she laughs and says “are you laughing?!” I begin to sob and she clarifies for my sister Tessa that I am not laughing. I hang up with her and I walk up and down the stairs of my building. I retrace my steps from apartment door to my mailbox over and over muttering “this can’t be happening, this isn’t happening to me”.

It’s been about two weeks since I found out I failed. I think for the most part I’m doing well. However, a large percentage of my friends did pass. Sometimes I don’t talk to anyone. I turn off the notifications on my phone, I ignore Facebook messages, I scroll past Facebook statuses that say “I am so excited to announce that I passed the bar exam!” while rolling my eyes. I am happy for my friends. I am so happy for everyone who passed. I was with them while they studied. I know exactly how hard they worked and how stressed they were. So I am overjoyed for them. And they are “so sad” for me, and they think that “it’s so not fair”, and that “the bar exam is a fucking joke“, and that I’m “awesome and it really doesn’t even matter”. ← That right there. That’s the shit that pisses me off. It so fucking matters. The exam is not a fucking joke. Oh? Are you sad for me? Yea I’m sad for me too and this is great because I was so looking forward to your pity. This is wonderful. Thank you.

I just ranted a little bit. But the point is it sucks. Failing sucked. Failing by only 4 points sucked more. Having everyone react as if I found out that I’m terminally ill is the WORST (you’re keeping me in your prayers? Am I dying?).

But I will ignore all of it. I will somehow muster up the strength to study harder and longer than I did the last time. I will take the bar again in February.

So…here we go I guess.

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2 comments

    • ta.masters392@gmail.com says:

      It’s the most frustrating situation to be in. And it’s one of those feelings that I don’t think anyone really understands unless they’ve been in the exact situation. Good luck on your next attempt!

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